You’ve lit the candles, put on some music, and eaten the chocolate-covered strawberries, but you’re still not in the mood. Maybe you weren’t able to put that annoying email out of your mind or make yourself forget that your favorite sports team lost again…

So, should you just have sex anyway?

It is perfectly normal to feel meh about having sex sometimes, but if you’re noticing a pattern developing that is unusual for you or that the meh feeling is all too frequent, it might be time for a reset.

Sex every day for a month

One idea for resetting your sex life is to accept the 30-Day Sex Challenge. That’s right! You and your partner have sex every day for a month.

The idea reportedly first caught fire on Reddit, and there are some ground rules: if you skip a day, add it on at the end, and you can decide what qualifies as “sex” (e.g. oral, mutual masturbation, watching porn together, etc.). If you are on the fence about period sex, read this.

Even if your sex life doesn’t need a reset, the challenge could be an interesting opportunity to learn about yourself, your partner, and your relationship. And it could also be fun!

No sex for a month

Another reset option for your sex life is the opposite of the 30-Day Sex Challenge: no sex for a month.

One woman writer decided to abstain from sex for a month because she wanted to find out if it was sex or love doing the heavy lifting in her relationship. Read about her experience here.

If you choose to forgo sex for a month, that doesn’t mean you have to forgo intimacy. Making out and cuddling are still on the table with this challenge.

Like the 30-Day Sex Challenge, no-sex-for-a-month is also an opportunity for you to learn about yourself, your partner, and your relationship.

I, for one, could have benefited from this idea when I was younger. I used to get panicky if I wasn’t having sex very often – like, We could die tomorrow! I should have all the sex I can while I still can!

Luckily, I found other ways to let go of that panic. Mostly, I learned to enjoy wanting it almost as much as having it, speaking of which – the buildup from giving up sex for a month could make for a powerful aphrodisiac once the thirty days are up.

Makeup sex

My partner and I definitely do better when we have sex more frequently, which in turn, reduces the amount of arguments and fights we have, and thus the need for makeup sex – as satisfying as it can be!

You know the feeling – you’ve gotten on each other’s nerves one too many times lately, things have gotten heated, maybe some voices were raised, a cold shoulder turned, but eventually, you come back together, release that tension and restore some balance.

I haven’t done either 30-Day Sex Challenge, but I’ve come close with my partner – sex on plenty of days, multiple times a day. It’s always like that in the beginning of a relationship, isn’t it? You can’t get enough of each other – or should I say, can’t get enough of that dopamine, norepinephrine, and serotonin cocktail.

Valentine’s Day year-round

The good news is – like anything, desire ebbs and flows, and the oxytocin and vasopressin your brain experiences around your long-term partner feels pretty great too.

Also, there are some things you can do to court the sweetness of new romance:

  • Date night – If you have kids, date night might have to take place on the coffee table when they’re asleep, but make sure not to skip it.
  • Find out each other’s love language and love accordingly. This may mean dispensing more compliments or back rubs or offering to make dinner or do the dishes.
  • Unless you’re sexting each other, try to put your phone down more often when you’re together. Opportunities for quality time aren’t always easy to come by, so minimize distractions where and when you can.
  • When possible, go to bed at the same time. I know that’s not always realistic, and during certain stretches, it’s a downright luxury, but when you can, going to bed together is a great way to nurture the intimacy between you.
  • Read Esther Perel’s Mating in Captivity. I will probably be recommending this book until the end of time.

I asked my partner what advice he would give to keep the excitement simmering in a relationship, and here’s what he said:

“Movie night; cuddling; pick up their favorite treat when you’re at the store; give each other massages; wrap your arms around them when they’re making dinner or doing the dishes.”

The last one is my personal favorite 😉

Image credit: Rinck Content Studio, Unsplash